I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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