I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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