My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I won't apologize to a one balled man
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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