What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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