bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
