I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
