We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
