The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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