Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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