I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
