You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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