sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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