The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
