I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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