So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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