wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
