Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
