im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
