Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
vagina is talking i cant
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
