I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
