I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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