Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
