I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
