every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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