Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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