Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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