I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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