shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
