what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
