I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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