I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
