bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
