Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
