I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
