apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
