Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
