i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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