When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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