Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
