let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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