His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
