Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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