Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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