they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
