i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
