She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
