Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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