you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
