i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
