totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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