Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
