i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
