It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
