my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
