when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
